my faith journey

I have a hard time letting people do for me. I mean, I think I want the help. But then I don't. I guess just knowing they want to help in some way is enough for me... but the actual letting them do for me is hard.
So I'm learning to let others meet our needs. I've taken some baby-steps here and there, but this past weekend was a biggy. I let someone host a yard sale for us. Someone I didn't even know that well. Someone that I now know, having spent several hours in the sweltering heat working a yard sale. And you know what, it felt good.
You see we're in a very difficult season. My husband has been looking for full-time work for over two years. In that time he has only had two interviews for part-time jobs and while one of those jobs ended after one year, the other ended after 3 months. He has not had one interview for a full-time job. Needless to say, times are tough. And I have not handled it well. At all. In our almost 34 years of marriage, we've never both been weary and tired, unable to pull the other out of the muck and mire. Till now. I can easily go to a scary place where I isolate, believe the lies in my head and lose hope.
It's been tough on our marriage. While I need to process out loud, he doesn't. While I'm more relational, he isn't. While those things drew us together in the early years, only frustrate in the later. Or maybe it's the daily stress that continues to weaken our resolve to be there for each other. But we remain committed for the long haul. No matter what. Because of love.
Anyway, the yard sale was such a blessing. Yes, the proceeds met a huge need. But the blessing of watching someone give of their time and resources had me in tears... and wondering why would they do that? Why would someone sacrifice time with their family on a Saturday to spend several hours in the heat with me? Because of Christ in them. Because of love.
Which brings me to today... Randy has an interview for a full-time job tomorrow afternoon. I don't even like typing those words out loud. In fact, that is part of the reason I don't say much at all, cuz it's hard enough on me if things don't pan out, but I don't want to disappoint others. So many have prayed and prayed and nothing seems to be happening... ok, other than I am learning to depend on God, trusting His plans, in His perfect timing. But if you know me at all, you know I'm all about a great story, a redemptive story, a happy-ending story. Well, I would much rather move along in this particular chapter of my life... and get on to the next, where everything starts to make sense and I get to shout from the mountaintops the faithfulness of God. Oh I know, He's faithful right now. But man oh man, I can so quickly lose heart and crumble under the weight and gravity of our situation.
SO many changes in these past two years that just don't always make sense. At least for now. But God has a plan. He always does. And yes, after 30+ years in full-time ministry, He is not done with us yet. We will serve Him and follow Him no matter what we're doing. So we're praying soon we can get about the business of doing whatever it is that he has for us in this next chapter. In the mean time, I don't want to miss the lessons along the way. I don't want to fight the pain and suffering, but rather embrace all that he is teaching me every. single. day.

On a lighter note, we went to brunch today with our kids and grandkids for Father's Day, and I said to Elsie (age 2) "Elsie, it's Father's Day for your Daddy!". And she says all indignant "It's not Father's Day, it's Mother's Day for Fathers!" haha! Oh that girl is one smart cookie.

Oh and may I add, she's quite the little haircutter too. Yes, Elsie took a scissors to her hair this week and in a matter of minutes, she cut her hair. Like a whole lot!
God love her. :)

Rejoice in hope
be patient in tribulation
be constant in prayer
Rom. 12:12