There are still moments when changes in his behavior are so overwhelming it's like a punch in the gut. I can hardly breath.
And then there are moments that are so sacred and beautiful I don't want them to ever end.
Such is the life of a dementia caregiver.
I am so blessed that Randy loves the Adult Day Care Monday through Friday... and that dear friends and family spend their Saturdays caring for him while I work... and that I am daily covered in prayer... and that I don't have to worry because my needs are being met. But I do anyway. I pray to God to take all my worries and fears. Every day I lay them at His feet. And then systematically heap them all back in my handy, dandy backpack and carry them around all day. It's exhausting. I long for the day when He comes for His children and I can spend eternity in His presence. Till then, I cry out to Him daily, to know His peace, joy, freedom and acceptance here on earth.
I was recently asked what I miss.
I miss his hugs. He still hugs, but only cuz I first hug him.
I miss his compassion and concern for others.
I miss making memories with friends.
I miss the hours we spent dreaming about growing old together.
I miss doing life alongside my helpmate.
I miss hearing him sing and play guitar.
I miss family dinners.
I miss my family.
I miss him grilling burgers on the grill.
I miss our social life.
I miss riding shotgun with him behind the wheel.
I miss roadtrips.
I miss having someone take care of me.
I miss hearing him teach at the marriage retreats.
I miss sitting in church with him.
I miss hearing him worship.
I miss his leadership, influence and service.
I miss my husband.
I always wish I had something profound, some magic, some wonderful thing to say at these moments that will take away all this misery. Sadly I don't and all I can do is tell you that you are on my heart today. I pray for you, for strength and comfort and hope that your memories will sustain you through the tough times ahead. You are so loved, both of you. take care.
ReplyDeleteLike Joanne, I wish so much I had words that might make a difference. I can't imagine what you're going though. My heart aches for both of you. But, I know you both have the hope of Heaven and eventually, this will be exchanged for something so incredible. Prayers, hugs and thoughts for you Linda:-)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and giving word to something I feel everyday...it's been three years since my Andy was diagnosed.
ReplyDeleteLinda, thank you for expressing my feelings so eloquently. It breaks my heart to read them but it is reality.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Linda I keep you and Randy on my prayer list. I do hope your little bits of beauty continue to shine through. Have a lovely weekend dear one.
ReplyDeleteLinda, grieving with you. I'm thankful you are still writing, even on occasion. I'm so thankful that some day Randy will be whole again, fellowshipping and singing with the Lord Jesus in Heaven. Until then, I pray for your endurance and your encouragement. I know this isn't what you planned or expected out of your life, and I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to only have the earthly tent of your husband. Praying, dear sister!
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