Friday, July 22, 2016

trusting is hard

Good grief, I sure know how to make life harder than it needs to be. Why is that? How do we forget so fast? God continues to bless and provide. He continues to give me strength when I am weary and tired. He comforts me when I am sad and lonely. But I am still overcome with fear at the slightest uncertainty.

I think. Deep down. I don't fully trust.
He is allowing frontotemporal dementia to destroy my husband's brain. And if you knew Randy you would know, it couldn't be happening to a nicer person, to a more faithful servant.

Oh God, did I really just type those words? My heart is hurting, the tears are flowing, and I feel horrible. I am so tired of being brave in the midst of such sadness. I am tired of believing when it's so hard. I know. That's a lot of I's. And that's the problem. I can't do it any more. I need God to do it. I no longer lives, but Christ lives in me. Really? Yes. Then I need to let Him. You see, I am my worse enemy. I can question and sabotage His ways with the best of them. So... I will get out of the way and let Him live through me. I know. Not always easy. But He continues to prove over and over that He is trustworthy, good and faithful.

This past week was a good example. Randy is now taking a dial-a-ride cab to his adult daycare every morning. A miracle. You see, in order for me to work 8 hours, I needed to start at 6:30 am. Which is no big deal, because I start my day between 3-4 am anyway. I'm a morning person. Well, because his day care does not open till 7, I would need to make arrangements to have my neighbor here to get Randy in the cab. And you guys, it has gone so smoothly. Like amazingly smooth. So thankful for my neighbor, the nice cab drivers and the many who were praying for Randy & I. Yes, I had a couple melt-downs, fearing all that could go wrong... but in the end, all went very right. And while Randy could take the cab home, I wouldn't miss our rides home for all the world. One day I hope to capture the look on his face when he sees me walking through the front door of his daycare. He is beaming, smiling so big... and always says "YOU'RE HERE! YOU CAME!" Omg, just the best feeling in the world. And then we talk all the way home. With him repeating these lines every single day, and me acting as though he has never said them before, every single day.
  • Are you going to take a right at Victory and then a left on the access road and then a right at Guadalupe to go home"
  • "So you flew on Delta when you went to Wisconsin and your sister Jenny (Ginny) picked you up at the airport?" (every single time he sees a plane)
  • "When Tim & Betty come over they take me to Quick Trip for a coke and a donut and then they take me home!"
  • "I can't believe I got to see Don & Carol at Miranda's house!"
  • "Shawn always takes me to Quick Trip for a Coke and a donut."
  • "That's the church where I gave my brother Barry's eulogy." (as we drive past Tempe 1st Baptist)
  • I can't believe Miranda's baby is named William James Randy!"
  • "Are we going through the front door or through the garage?"
  • "Do you have a key to the front door?" (even though I have never not had a key)
Yes, even though it has been over 12 years since he gave his brother Barry's eulogy, he remembers much of what he shared. Deep down, I know he misses his brother, but knows one day they will be reunited in eternity.

I will leave you with a photo, cuz I can't not post without a photo.

Love this photo of Randy's Mom & Dad and his brothers.
Bob ~ Randy ~ Mom ~ Dad ~ Don ~ Barry


Kathy Grayczyk said...

I love reading your blogs. They are always so inspiring. I hear your heart in them.

Anonymous said...

Linda, when we were about a year and a half into our first church plant in Helena, MT, everything had become difficult in our lives and church, and I was really starting to doubt God's calling us and our decision to go and start this work, plus how He was going to make it happen and even provide for our family. I was a mess. One day Jill told me that she had been reading Exodus in her quiet times and seeing the struggles that the Israelites had in trusting God after seeing Him initially deliver the people from bondage in Egypt. She told me, "God spoke to my heart today that He didn't bring us out into the desert to kill us". Hearing that word from God was a turning point for me. I hope you too can hear God's heart in that word Linda... ~Jim Bomkamp

Anonymous said...

Linda once again you have ministered to the very challenge that exists in my life. Found myself writing in my journal, I, I, I, ... and thought, Rita, this isn't about you, its not your strength, its God's. Let Him show it, get off His toes. When I read your posts and blog it brings refreshment of heart and soul. How He is using you to speak to all of us, thank you so much for being a vessel that He can use. Honestly openly you touch our lives. Bless you sweet lady.

Becca said...

Still thinking about you and Randy, dear Linda. I was looking at an old blog post and your name was there on a comment. (BrightHaven Days) Love you and am praying. Wish I had a good Word to share with you but I don't. I hope that you find joy where you can though. :)

Anonymous said...

Your are both in my prayers especially as I hear his ministry (which is often). God Bless